My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm both gender and math confused
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
