I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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