tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
