I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
