hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
