At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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