I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
