my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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