Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
