You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
