Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
