I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
