I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
