i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
