My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
