Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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