FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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