We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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