Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize