It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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