Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you traded sex for a burrito?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
