you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
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