my mouth tastes like poor choices
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
