So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i may or may not be watching the land before time
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
