you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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