I swear she didn't look like that last week.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
