I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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