Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
