cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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