Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
