You're my little dorito
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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