I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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