Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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