'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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