you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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