onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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