her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
