You just made me feel so damn special
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
