Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
