I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
