so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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