maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
