I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
