Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
