Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
