Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
