he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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