you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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