Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
