Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
