I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
