I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
