I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
