In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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