Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
