i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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