i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
