She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
