I'm jealous of your bromance
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
