if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
