Swine flu is the new snow day.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
