Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
