How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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