I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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