2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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