I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
